JOHN WATERS ON LIFE

Illustration by Sara Hingle

Illustration by Sara Hingle

Issue 58 of Frankie Magazine had a great advice-style column with the director John Waters, accompanied by the fantastic illustration shown above by Sara Hingle. Known for his flamboyant persona, and pencil thin mustache, Waters is also “divine” (complete pun intended) at dishing advice. I wanted to share some of his gems, paraphrased here, as they had me laughing out loud…

Question: I’m LGBT but the issue of gay marriage doesn’t concern me… Am I letting my side down?

Answer: I’m certainly for the rights of everyone to be married…but I’ve never had fun at a wedding, gay or straight…I don’t want to do it. If anything they should make heterosexual divorce illegal. If you want to stay married to the same person, then go ahead and do it.

Question: My friend keeps making comments about things that I find offensive, and I don’t know how to broach it with them.

Answer: Stick a body part in their mouth and maybe they’ll shut up. I’ve asked the question, “ if someone is cute enough and they’re racist, can you sleep with them?”

Question: I’m a bit of a control freak and love order in my life…but I want to go with the flow.

Answer: I always say Monday to Friday I’m a workaholic, Friday night I’m an alcoholic, and I take off Sunday. A shrink once told me that was a very good plan.

Question: How do you tell someone you have an STD?

Answer: Nowadays nobody has crabs…in America no one has pubic hair under the age of 30, which is really creepy.

Question: I know that a friend has done something bad, but I don’t know whether to DOB them in.

Answer: I know thieves and people who have done crimes, and I don’t tell. But, if somebody was out murdering people I would certainly tell; or if someone was going to continue robbing people…I don’t know what I would do there. Try to avoid the situation!...if you know somebody who was going out to steal a car I’d just be like “don’t bring it back here and don’t tell me about it.” It’s a very 50s thing to steal cars. Nobody would ever steal my car, I have a plain old Buick.

Question: My 10-year reunion is coming up…should I bother going?

Answer: The only reason to go so is to see the people you wanted to f***, and what they look like now. But I’ve already stalked their house years ago!